Over the years I've accumulated a lot of Michigan jokes.  Here are some of my favorites.  If you have some, please feel free to leave them as a comment.

Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, etc... Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.  Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Johnny, "He is an assistant coach for the Michigan Wolverines, but I was too embarrassed to say so."

A recent graduate of Ohio State moved to Dearborn, Michigan after accepting a great job. After becoming a citizen of Michigan she felt almost as if she betrayed her Ohioan background and ancestry. She had an apartment with a Michigan address and she winced whenever she looked at her Michigan driver's license. When she registered her vehicle she had an idea.

When her personalized license plate arrived for her car she beamed while she affixed them to her car. She was so proud she sent an instant message to her father right away. He was a proud Ohio State alumnus as well.

She typed, "Daddy I get my new personalized plates for my Mini today.

They are University of Michigan plates!"

"WHAT?" he replied, "You have to be joking"

"Nope, I'm totally serious. Let me send you the image."

Her father couldn't stop laughing after he viewed the picture of her car.

We Ohio State fans amuse ourselves by scaring every Michigan fan we see strutting down the street with that obnoxious maze & blow "M" on his shirt. We swerve our vans as if to hit them, and then swerve back just missing them.

One day, while driving along, I saw a priest. I thought I would do a good deed so I pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going Father?"

"I'm going to give mass at St. Francis Church, about 2 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!"

The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and we continued down the road.

Suddenly, I saw a Michigan fan walking down the road with that "M" shirt on, and I instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, I swerved back into the road just in time. Even though I was certain that I had missed the guy, I still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, I glanced in my mirrors but still didn't see anything. I then remembered the priest and turned to him and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Michigan fan."

"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."

A grade school teacher who was an UM graduate asked the class if they wanted Michigan to win the game. All the children raised their hands to be like the teacher except for one little girl. The teacher asked the little girl why she didn't raise her hand. The little girl replied "because I like Ohio State". Flustered, the teacher asked why she liked Ohio State. The little girl said “because my parents root for Ohio State. The teacher asked the little girl if she copied everything her parents did and the little girl replied "yep". The teacher asked "what if your parents were idiots" and the little girl replied "well then we would be Michigan fans".

On a tour of Ohio, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit Lake Erie on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline when there was an enormous commotion just offshore. They rushed to see what it was and the Pope noticed in the water a hapless man wearing a Univ of Michigan football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a Twelve foot Walleye.

At that moment a speed boat containing three men wearing OSU football jerseys roared into view from around the point. One of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the Walleye's ribs, immobilizing it instantly.

The other two reached out and pulled the Michigan man from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the fish to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead Walleye and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting and honking from the shore. It was the Pope and he summoned them to the beach.

After they reached shore, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some bitter hatred between the people of Michigan and Ohio, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model on which other states could follow".

He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpooner asked the others,

"Who was that?"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom.

"Well", the harpooner replied, "he knows nothing about walleye fishing. How is the bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

A Wisky fan, a scUM fan, and an Ohio State fan are all being held captive by a foreign country. The general in charge of interrogation told the men that he would whip the three men with 20 lashes each but he would grant them one wish before hand to keep them alive. The Wisky fan went first, and he said he wanted his wish to be that they use a small whip. The general agreed, but after just ten lashes, the man was nearly dead, so the guards dragged him away. Next up was the scUM fan. The general asked him what he would like done, and the scUM fan replied "put a pillow on my back." The general agreed, but after just 5 lashes, the whip broke through the pillow, so after 15 lashes, he too was dragged away. As the Ohio State fan came close to the general, the general asked him what his wish would be. He replied "give me 40 lashes instead of 20." The general, admiring his courage, decided to give him one more wish. The Ohio State fan replied "tie the Michigan fan to my back"

Lloyd Carr was trying to figure out why his team couldn't win like Ohio State. He decided to go down to Columbus to study the team. After one practice, Carr chased down Jim Tressel and asked "How is it you win so much, Jim?" Jim called out for Craig Krenzel to come over and asked, "Craig, who is your uncle's sister's son?" Craig replied, "That's easy coach, it’s me!" Jim thanked Craig, sent him to the locker room, and turned to Carr. "It’s all about having a smart quarterback, Lloyd." Carr was enlightened, so he went back to Ann Arbor and before practice called for John Navarre. "John, who is your uncle's sister's son?" Carr asked. John looked perplexed. "Coach, can you give me til after practice to think about it?" Carr, disgusted, agreed. Minutes later, in a huddle, John turned to Chris Perry and said, "Chris, man, you have to help me, coach is gonna kill me if I don't get this right. Who is your uncle's sister's son?" Perry looked at him funny and said, "Man, that's easy. Its me." Navarre, confident in his answer, went up to Coach Carr after practice and said "Coach, I've got it! My uncle's sister's son is Chris Perry!" Carr, disgusted as ever, yelled back at him, "NO NO NO, DUMMY! IT'S CRAIG KRENZEL!"

Ok, here's my joke...

Ready?...

Here it comes...

michigan

Two Wolverine fans were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were. The first Wolverine fan said, "I think they’re deer tracks!" The second Wolverine fan said, "I think they’re dog tracks!" Then the train hit them.

I heard that L.Carr is only going to dress 25 players this Sat........the rest can dress themselves!

An Ohio State fan, a Michigan fan, and a Penn State fan are stranded on an island. They come across a bottle, open it, and of course, out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant each fan a wish.

The Penn State fan says, "You know, Happy Valley is so beautiful and it just makes me so dang happy. I wish I was back there."

Poof, he was back in Happy Valley.

The Michigan fan says, "You know, Michigan is even more beautiful than Pennsylvania and I am tired of all all the tourists trashing our state. I wish I could go back home and have a wall around Michigan that would keep all the great Michigan folks in and everyone else out."

Poof, the Michigan Fan disappeared.

The genie looks at the OSU fan and asks him what he would like his wish to be.

"Tell me about this wall," the OSU fan replies.

"Well, it is a 300 feet high, fifty feet thick and no one can get in or out."

"Really? Good workmanship and all. No chance that it doesn't work?"

"Of course not."

"Good. I wish it was full of water."

An Ann Arbor area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in its rear end. Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard, the Michigan Wolverine fight song come out the guys butt.

Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor. "Sir, you've got to come down and help me, I've just seen something I can't believe."

Annoyed by the naiveté of his assistant, he said OK and followed him downstairs. "There, look at the cork in the rear end of that body, I couldn't imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please you do it."

The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork. Then the Michigan fight song started playing. Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to his assistant and said: "What's so surprising about that. I've heard thousands of butt-holes sing that song."

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: an Ohio State grad, a Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Nittany Lions!" Seeing this the OSU grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Buckeyes!" and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.

THE GOLDEN PHONE

A highly recruited high school football player was visiting Big Ten schools to try and find the best college for him.

His first stop was at Ann Arbor. When he got there, head coach Lloyd Carr immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God" and hung up.

The boy was shocked by all this. He asked the coach what was so special about the golden phone. "Well, this phone is a direct line to God. And God tells us whether or not new recruits would be stars at our college."

The young athlete asked if he could use the phone to ask God what college he should pick. "Sure, you can! But it's going to cost you $250. Calling Heaven isn't cheap." The boy didn't have that kind of money so he moved along.

His next stop was Minnesota. Once at Glen Mason's office, Coach Mason immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God" and hung up.

The boy said, "Hey, I've seen those phones before. Can I use yours to call God and ask what college I should pick?" Sure, Mason said, "Sure, but it's going to cost you $200. Calling Heaven isn't cheap." Again, not having that kind of money, the boy left.

His next stop was Happy Valley. Upon arrival at Joe Pa's office, Coach Paterno picked up a golden telephone, talked to God, said, "Thanks," and hung up.

The boy just had to use that phone, so he said, "Coach, I really need to use that golden telephone so I can call God and ask him which college I should choose." Coach Paterno said "You can but it will cost you $150. Calling heaven is not cheap."

The boy left since he did not have that kind of money. His last stop for the boy was Ohio State. He went in Coach Tressel's office and he saw a golden phone here also. Coach Tressel got on the golden phone and talked a few minutes and said, "Thanks, God" and hung up.

The boy said, “Can I use that phone to find out where I should go, to school?” Coach Tressel said, "Well, sure go ahead."

The boy said, "From Michigan it was going to cost me $250 to use their phone. From Minnesota they wanted $200 and Penn State wanted $150.

So how much will it cost me to call Heaven from here at Ohio State?"

Coach Tressel smiled and said, "Nothing, son. It's a 'local call' from Columbus."

Q:  Why don't they teach Drivers Ed and Sex Ed on the same day in Michigan?

A:  It's too hard on the mule!

Q:  How do you get a Michigan grad off your front porch?

A:  Pay for the pizza!

Q:  What happens to Michigan fans who take Viagra?

A:  They grow taller

Q: What does the average Michigan grad get on their SAT/ACT's?

A: drool

Q: What is the difference between Charles Woodson and the Unabomber?

A: The Unabomber GRADUATED from Scum!!!

Q: Why do you not see any nativity scenes around Christmas time on the Michigan campus?

A: Because they have a hard time finding three wise men and a virgin!

Q: Why doesn't Ohio slide into the Ohio river?

A: Because Michigan sucks.

Q:  Why was OJ's white Bronco seen headed toward Ann Arbor?

A:  He knew nobody would look for a Heisman Trophy winner there.

Q:  What's the only sign of intelligence in Ann Arbor?

A:  Columbus 186 miles

Q:  What do you call a Michigan cheerleader with two brain cells?

A:  Pregnant

Q:  What do you get when you have a basement full of Michigan fans?

A:  A Whine Cellar

Q:  An OSU fan and a Michigan fan are in the third grade. Who's bigger?

A:  The Michigan fan... he's 18 years old.

Q:  What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?

A:  A visitor

Q: Why doesn't Michigan have ice on their sidelines during games?

A: The guy with the recipe graduated.

Q:  Why are there 2 teams from Michigan in the Big ten?

A:  There was so much crap in Ann Arbor they had to start another pile.

Q:  What are the three hardest years in the life of a Michigan Wolverine fan?

A:  Second Grade.

Q:  What do you get when you breed a pig with a Michigan fan?

A:  There are some things even pigs won't do.

Q:  Why do the University of Michigan grads hang their diplomas from the rearview mirror?

A:  So they can park in the handicapped spaces.

Q:  How many Michigan freshmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A:  None, it's a sophomore course

Q:  How do you get to Ann Arbor from Columbus?

A:  Go north until you smell shit, then west until you step in it.

A: Get more cement.